Monday, June 11, 2012

Ultra Vixens or The Most Annoying Film I've Ever Seen

There is a perfectly sunny and gay place, where dogs are barking, passing by cars play "You don't fool me" at a relatively high volume and food tastes better than anywhere else. Nothing can possibly be annoying, everything feels right and my loads of anxiety just vanished into thin air. Yes, this place exists and it's home, sweet home, from which I run away thousands of time, but it's the only place that can possibly soothe me like this; stress was not invented here, not quite yet.

Having such peaceful and serene thoughts -and considering the fact that Behaviorism can help us understand the association of stress and certain places, as much as the Buddhist idea that peace comes from inside- a horror flashed in my mind: I remembered the most annoying  film I ever saw. It's a recent and painful experience; it's not Salo, neither Clockwork Orange. Not even Irreversible, as some had feared. All these films had some annoying parts, but their message was an evergreen and powerful one, that it grasped you and saved you from the shocking elements. 

The Number One Annoying Film in my list is a relatively innocent one (who could tell):  here comes the last deed of the happy King of the Nudies Russ MeyerBeneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens (1979). 

How come? you will now ask me. Why is this film so annoying for you? Well, I certainly have my reasons, dear readers. I don't like retarded faces; I hate excess with no point to make. I abhor screaming. Then, again, to the filmic level: I am not very fond of dizzying editing, silly voice-over and the smalltown people percept. I mean, it worked for David Lynch in Blue Velvet, but it doesn't always deliver. Imagine the concept of an American-dream city: not one unhappy; people are having fun (sex included), while the horrendous sister Eufaula Roop who is an evangelical radio preacher -that was in the times before the net was invented. This blonde with the huge boobs is not annoying per se, only when she opens her mouth. She preaches in the highest volume you could ever imagine and she enjoys it. I almost fainted, though. It was breaking on my nerves and I don't remember anything that had done this so effectively, except for certain violin players.

The second most annoying thing was the silly faces of most of the characters, but mainly the silly couple of protagonists: Kitten Natividad, playing too different, albeit similar roles and the pervert of a husband -if such a thing can exist in a Russ Meyer movie. They both act so dumb, more like animals than humans and that's supposed to be funny, but, yeah, I didn't laugh. The thing is, from all his B-girls, Kitten is Meyers most favourite. According to an imdb bio he paid for her breast enhancement and lived with her for many years. Sorry, but I was unable to feel her sex appeal, definitely not my type. Then again, I felt awkward to read that she had to get a double mastechtomy to treat her breast cancer. Ow. How. Ironic.

The first instalment of the series, Vixen! and even the second one, Supervixens (1975) were kinda funny, though. It seems like Russ Meyer lost his humour with the years or it can be that I lost mine (but I watched the three films in a half a year span, so I wouldn't see it as a serious possibility).

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