I want to become a Lobster, he said

Hotel Manager: Have you thought of what animal you’d like to be if you end up alone?

David: Yes, a lobster.

Hotel Manager: A lobster is an excellent choice.

[More quotes here]

Once upon a time, there was a Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster. Later on, he had to skip it and run away instead. That  happened when the Woman-With-No-Feelings killed his brother who had the form of a dog, because he could not find a partner in forty-five days. She killed him with endless kicks on the head, the belly, all over really. Her right shoe, white sock and leg was full of blood to the height of the knee when she announced him her cruel deed.

The Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster decided to run away to the woods after the assassination of his brother, who was a dog, from the Woman-With-No-Feelings. He has lost his chance to become a lobster, an animal he so much liked, because of its blue, aristocratic blood. If found alive after lying about his own absence of feelings, he would be turned into the animal nobody wants to turn into (which animal is that, I cannot divulge). That's why the Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster  run away from the perverse dating retreat.

Nevertheless, perversity followed him to the woods. Where the Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster found more loners who did not want to turn into any animal at all. They only asked for the freedom to dance to electro music with trees as dancing partners, masturbate in solitude and hunt for their food, then eat it after killing it with their bare hands. The I-Wanna-Stay-Free people, were not so free after all, they were just mating-free. It's hard to explain, because they were not exactly mating-free either, they were actually not allowed to mate. And that's exactly when it happened.

The Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster met a Short-sighted-Woman in the woods. They fell in love, or so they thought, but they were obliged to pretend they did not care about each other, not in a romantic way at least. Red kisses were a punishment fierce enough to keep them in chains. 

These two did not resist nature's calling in the end. These two were caught red-handed. The Short-sighted-Woman was turned into a Blind-Woman, a punishment greater than love itself (sic). The Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster threw the zealous punisher into his grave, then he took the Blind-Woman and run away wearing a tight pair of pants that made him run in a real funny way.

Those two are sitting in a boring cafe. They are asking for a knife, no, not a sharp one. They were raised to believe that for love to flourish they need to be a perfect match. And how can a Blind-Woman be the perfect match for a Short-sighted-Man? Yes, I forgot to say, the  Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster is short-sighted.

The Short-sighted-Man throws the knife away. He tells the Blind-Woman: 'Dear, don't you see? We are the perfect match just the way we are. You need my eyes more than me. My eyes will be your eyes, so why waste them?' They smile to each other knowingly. The unfortunate course of events made them realise they were brought up within a genetic fallacy. And they lived happily ever after.

Lobster (2015): What about it?

Entertainment Weekly: The Lobster is the kind of unexpected and unexpectedly moving revelation that film festivals exist to share with the world. It opens your eyes to a new way of storytelling. It’s a love story unlike any I’ve ever seen.

Peter Bradshaw (The Guardian): I have had an agnostic relationship with Lanthimos in the past: Dogtooth (2009) remains his best movie, Alps (2011) took his self-awareness to the level of self-congratulation. The Lobster is a distinctive, mid-level work: sharp claws, not much meat.

Variety: Lanthimos’ films are such pristinely mannered directorial creations — unmistakably bound by their deader-than-deadpan humor, tweezer-set visual composition and stark stabs of violence — that it never seems his actors should be permitted to do much more than hit their regimented marks.

* And why does The-Man-Who-Wanted-to-Become-a-Lobster aka Colin Farrell look like Hitler? That's up to you to find out.